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A skier's dictionary

Startbeitrag von Phil am 28.03.2002 08:55

Alp - One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request
for assistance made by a European skier on a U.S. mountain. An
appropriate reply: "What Zermatter?"

Avalanche - One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly
frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard,
Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings - Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially
serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the
skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so
on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from
serious injury.

Bones - There are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however:
There are two bones of the middle ear that have never been broken in a
skiing accident.

Cross-Country Skiing - Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain
snow-travelling technique. It's good exercise. It doesn't require the
purchase of costly lift tickets. It has no crowds or lines. It isn't
skiing. See Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other - Touring on skis along trails in scenic
wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the
ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping
through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy
powder of a deep, wind-sculped drift.

Exercises - A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the
slopes: *Tie a cinder block to each foot with old belts and climb a
flight of stairs. *Sit on the outside of a second-story window ledge with
your skis on and your poles in your lap for 30 minutes. *Bind your legs
together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor; then, holding a banana in
each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves - Designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict
circulation, but not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity;
they should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
dampness within to escape.

Gravity - One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak
force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which
produces dead batteries in expensive ski-resort parking lots. See Inertia.

Inertia - Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or
speed due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion. Goes along with
these other physical laws: * Two objects of greatly different mass
falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter
one will have larger hospital bills. * Matter can neither be created nor
destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to
encounter it again in our universe. * When an irrestible force meets an
immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.

Prejump - Manuever in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
ahead of a bump. Beginners can execute a controlled prefall just before
losing their balance and, if they wish, can precede it with a prescream
and a few pregroans.

Shin - The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the
strained ankle begins.

Ski! - A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "Avalanche!" -
which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill.

Skier - One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance - Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes a little
crossed and darting in all directions. Your lips should be quivering, and
you should be mumbling, "Why?"

Thor - The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse - To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
methods of reducing speed.

Tree - The other method.

Oh, blessed are the flexible, for they shall not get bent out of shape.


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